Today, I was very tender is spirit and super sensitive to negativity. Because of the week being so full of ups and downs, I was thrilled to finally be at church so I could just sit in a pew and listen. I was anxiously awaiting that Spirit to just calm my troubled soul. Fast and testimony meeting was fabulous, but I hadn't been fully healed from the week's emotions. When sacrament meeting had nearly come to a close, I looked over at Jimmy and said,, "I don't know if I can do this (talking about teaching primary)" It's not that my kids are bad- I love my class. I just couldn't handle ANY kids. Jimmy rubbed my back and encouraged me to do give it a shot. With resolve, I walked to my class ready to teach. When I was waiting in line for the library, two of my students came rushing up to me in a tizzy. They had informed me that another student had erased my entire lesson off the board. I took a deep breath, went to class and tried to be strong. The moment I grabbed the chalk to start rewriting my lesson, I just lost it. This is why: I was tired, emotional and at the end of my rope PLUS writing with chalk. I HATE chalk. It is a sacrifice for me to even use it. That is why I was so upset when the lesson I prepared was erased- I had to touch the chalk again... So, because of something as stupid as a little piece of chalk, I broke down. Not in front of the class- but I quietly excused myself, then turned into a blubbering mess. When I finally found Jimmy, I practically threw my lesson materials at him and nearly ran out of the building. Poor guy.
A thousand things swirled through my head in the short time it took me to get car. Where would I go? Who should I talk to? What should I do?
I went to my favorite place in the world, a hike where I feel particularly close to God. And, gosh darn it, I put on my running shoes (that were miraculously in the back of my car with a fresh pair of socks). I ran up that hill and prayed and cried to my heart's content.
It was refreshing. I felt cleansed. I was ready to face the world. Until I walked past someone on my way down the hill with my Sunday best and running shoes... I should have gone for the cute over comfort again.
(I know a few of my posts have seemed gloom and doom here, folks. But, I am okay. I am receiving lots of peace through prayer and support from my family. We are in the midst of so much transition that my heart has no capacity for all that's been thrown upon it. We are working through it and getting stronger. Growing pains hurt. But all is well.)