Surprise!

My thirtieth birthday was a roller coaster birthday- not because I was turning three-oh... no, something much more juvenile than that. You see, I thought everyone had forgotten my birthday. And so, the age old story goes. I spent the days leading up to my birthday feeling unloved and sorry for myself. My sadness got to a point where I was laying in bed just crying my heart out with Kate comforting me. What my sweet daughter and I didn't realize is that there was a party in the works. A big party. My friends and family were so good at keeping the secret that I had a mental breakdown- funny, right? Funny now- not so at the time. I truly was devastated. The hurt and pain was real. I lived the reality of people forgetting me. But coming into the room to see all those who loved me yell, "Surprise!" made the heartache melt.

You may wonder why I am writing about an event that happened a year and a half ago...

Because folks, I lived through it again.
I spent the last two weeks mourning a loss.
I have spent hours praying, reading and studying.
I have sought priesthood blessings and attended the temple.
I am being honest when I say I had totally submitted to God's will.

And then the doctor found a heartbeat.