Even though my heart is still broken from our recent news.
I am at peace.
I am sad beyond compare, but I feel no anger.
Which is saying a lot... because I got pretty angry.

I spent the day thinking and praying.
And watching tv about babies.
It's not that I was trying to torture myself- I just wanted to be happy for someone. I wanted to see the miracle of life somewhere. I know that might sound silly, but I feel like it is part of my healing process. I just want to feel whole again. I know that it will take more than a day of watching TLC, but I have a great desire to heal.

I attended the temple and got some great insight.
There has to be a reason for this sorrow. I know it.
I feel like there have been so many things leading up to this that have prepared me.
I still cry. A lot. But the force behind the tears is different.
There is a strength that is not my own fueling me.

I suppose the hardest part is just waiting for the next step.
It's time for me to make the decision of how to proceed. The options of miscarriage have a wide array. So, trying to decide is difficult. I never thought I would have to make a decision like this.
Even though it takes all that's in me to leave the house, I know I can do this. Well, I can't do this- but with Heavenly Father's help I can live through it. I learned that long ago from a woman who bore her testimony shortly after her husband had passed away from a brain tumor. She said from the pulpit, "I always think, 'I can't do this!' That's right. I can't do this.  I can't do this alone. But, I can get through anything with God's help." I cannot even tell you how many times her conviction in that moment has helped me. Those words are helping me now.

Friends, I would really appreciate the prayers. Please pray for our family.

1 comment:

The Lilly's said...

I am sooo sorry. Reading this has brought back so many memories of the many years we experienced the same struggles. I know how much it hurts, I'll keep you in my prayers. I know I don't know you very well, but I just have to tell you that I think you are an amazing woman.