Okay, I'm ready

Here it is folks.
I am ready to answer the question of what the big deal is here in The House of Graham...

A week ago, I took a home pregnancy test that came out positive!!!
We have not been pregnant for TEN YEARS.
Because of the surprise, we were thrilled beyond capacity. Thrilled.
We had calendared all the timing and decided that we would wait until Christmas to tell our family. Because... how awesome would have been to:
give Kate a, "I'm going to be a big sister!" t-shirt and video tape her response
and then- have her wear the shirt under a sweater to our family gathering and video tape their response when she got too hot to wear that sweater- pretty fun, huh?! I had already started daydreaming of how everything would go...

We had the whole thing mapped out.
Jimmy and I were hiding a juicy secret and called each other at least a dozen times during the day to share our excitement. We spoke in code at dinner so Kate would have no idea what was going on. I immediately made my first prenatal appointment. I swear, there was skip in my step.

The night before our scheduled appointment was the ward Halloween party.
The party where my ob/gyn was in attendance.
He was greeting people at the door and said, "You look so skinny!"
I responded with a "Thanks!" and then a whisper, "but not for long! See you tomorrow."
He got a huge smile on his face and I was so happy to finally tell someone the secret we had held in for a whole two days.

Then, when I went to the doctor, I acted a fool! I told anyone and everyone at the office who would listen that I had waited ten long years for this moment. I was like a giddy little school girl.

The pregnancy test at the dr. office came back positive and we proceeded with the appointment. When the doctor wheeled out the ultra sound machine, I was beaming.
Then, when the picture showed up on the screen, my face dropped.
There was nothing there.
It was an empty sac.
I know that my doctor is good at masking his emotions, but I didn't mistake his initial response.
This was not a viable pregnancy.

When I got dressed and met the doctor in his office, I was still too shocked to be upset.
We looked at the calendar and tried to find a reason for the ultra sound.
But, I knew deep down that there was something wrong.
Fortunately, the doctor stayed positive and scheduled another appointment for next week in hopes that something will show up on that ultra sound.

I am glad he has some hope, but I have to say- mine is dashed.
I mostly knew that something was wrong because as the doctor was out of the room getting the ultra sound machine, I said a little prayer with these words, "If something is wrong, please let me get through it."
When I uttered those words, I knew that I was being prepared for something. Something abnormal.

I just wonder...
why after going through the trial of being unable to conceive for TEN years would we be given this trial?
Why couldn't Heavenly Father just given us this baby?
Or at least not given us something and then taken it away so quickly?
I got to be thrilled for a whopping 36 hours.
It seems so unfair.

I know that everything happens for a reason and that one truth is the only thing really getting me through this right now. And tons of prayer, scripture study, priesthood blessings... you know, the good stuff.

That day was Halloween. Following my appointment, I had a few minutes to pull it together. Then I went to Kate's school for the parade, the party, the treats. You know, all these things to celebrate. I can't even tell you how excruciating it was for me to be there. Then the night is jam packed with stuff too. There was now a sad secret in place of the exciting one. It feels the same. Emotion, just under the surface- itching to get out. But this new emotion was destructive. Gosh, I couldn't even find this news out on a day when I could curl up in a ball and cry it up?

Being in public that night was the hardest thing I think I've ever done. Keeping it all in in was just...
But I did it.
I survived.
And I will continue to press forward.
Next week, I am not sure how I will handle the final appointment.
But I don't have to know that now.
For now, I am just taking things one minute at a time.


Debbie said...

I'm sorry. I truly understand.

I guess I should introduce myself. I'm Natalie's sister-in-law, Debbie (Richard's sister). My husband and I have been married for 9 years, and we have no living children. I had a miscarriage a few years ago. In order to get pregnant the second time, I had to undergo months of fertility treatments and testing. I carried her full term, but my daughter was stillborn in May. She died at the on start of labor due to a cord rupture. After more than 25 hours of labor, I delivered my perfect, sleeping angel. Then I almost bled to death. Since then I got pregnant in July and miscarried in August. A full D&C. It sucks. I haven't gotten pregnant since.

I'm sorry. I understand. I'm an outcast at church. I come from a VERY fertile family, and I'm an outcast there as well. I'm the only married child without living children. People (especially in the church) don't understand miscarriage and infertility and still born babies. They are mean about it to some degree. You become less of a person, less of a woman, less of a mother. It's sad really.

The gospel helps a lot. Things make more sense from an eternal perspective. Time is different. Trials seem more manageable. Conference helped (especially Pres. Monson's address on Sunday morning). The scriptures help. Priesthood blessings help. Prayers helps. Hope helps, and as much as it hurts to be let down, having no hope hurts more.

Some days a hard and other days are harder. I cry... a lot. But I get up in the morning. Heavenly Father provides miracles and mercies that make life manageable. I hope for happiness some day. I try to remember that many people have it worse. I know many who have no children, or lost their child and spouse. Perspective helps.

If you ever need someone to talk to or just cry with, feel free to email me. (dsthorsen@gmail.com) It's okay to be sad. Trust me, as much as I know my daughter was supposed to die, I still miss her. I am still sad.

I know what it is like to need prayers. I need them too. I'm sorry. I understand.

Care'n King said...

My sweet sweet daughter. I knew that something really big was in the hesitation you had when we last talked on the phone. Moms know that. I feel helpless to offer you anything other than deep and sincere prayer. I know Heavenly Father has a master plan for us all. I promise to ask Him for an answer to your prayers. Interestingly enough, I went to the Temple today, and put you and Jimmy on the prayer roll. Didn't know why, but felt so compelled to do so after a sealing session where I "saw" two girls in black braids for just a micro second as these girls were being sealed to their parents. The spirit was so strong...lots of kleenex...lots of gratitude for a Gospel that allows me to experience these miracles. I will always love you and respect you as a GREAT mother. I am sorry for your pain and trial, but never sorry that you felt safe enough to share it.
Love you!