8.10.2009

"yes, that's my girl in the pink..."

While I was skimming the post with the terribly out of date jacket, I realized that this statement was made: 'I am still considered evil for not putting thirty year old boy clothes on my daughter when she was an infant...' Well, folks, I may have not put thirty year old clothes on my sweet pea... but I did put boy clothes on her. Let me explain.

As a teenager, my dream was to get married at eighteen and start popping out babies like a toaster. A minivan would be my vehicle of choice. When I got married to Jimmy at nineteen, I was ready to go! Bring on them babies! The funny and sometimes cruel part of life is this: life never turns out the way you've planned. In our case, the first baby didn't join us until we were married for a couple of years. Hmm... well, even if we were a little off track, in my mind, we could have multiples down the line and make up for the lost time! Well, in preparation for the many babies that would come and be Kaitlin's siblings, I was very careful about the clothes I bought that would become hand-me-downs. The rules?
1.) No tv/cartoon characters. This meant that the clothes would be dated by the time next baby would fit in that size.
2.) All big purchases, including winter wear or nice pants, would be unisex. Thus, Kaitlin's winter coats being navy blue or grey or orange.
I stuck to these rules very carefully, putting away each outgrown outfit in either a 'unisex' or 'girl' pile. My closet of hand-me-downs was like an internet store with it's precise labels. You could scroll down for nearly anything.
When Kaitlin was two, I went for a routine ob/gyn visit. We had discussed forms of birth control, of which I had never used. The doctor looked carefully at my chart and asked if he could take some tests. After much poking, prodding and waiting, Jimmy and I were informed that Kailtin was a miracle baby. Having her should have been impossible for me. Meaning, having another would just be as difficult.
What is one to do when their carefully laid plans and dreams have been punctured so quickly? I am pretty sure I did not cry for months. In fact, a complete a total breakdown has never occurred. I suppose that's not my way of dealing or healing. There was definite denial in the situation. We did, in fact, have a healthy and happy little girl that was a supposed miracle. Many a family has experienced multiple miracles, have they not? The onset of the truth was very gradual to me. The pain and understanding came gradually as well.
It has been nearly four years since the doctor gave us the unfortunate news. Within this time, I have been able to see that my dream, although off track, can still come true. When Jimmy is done with school, we plan on adoption. I am excited about this prospect. In fact, I will admit that I am a little excited to not have to be pregnant again. I was miserable, cranky and extremely hard to live with as a pregnant woman. I know Heavenly Father has a plan for me. That there are harder things to live through. I know that I have been blessed with one of His choice daughters and that she is a true miracle in my life for her amazing example.
Sometimes, the sadness resurfaces. And it's always when someone has a baby that I feel shouldn't. It's not up to me to decide who deserves a baby. It's not up to me to decide who is a fit parent. I do have to remind myself of this when I see a pregnant fourteen year old... but someday, I will adopt a child that is born of a parent that will not be able to be taken care of by them. Their pain and suffering will probably be as great, if not more, than mine will ever be. If I was able to have more children, would I adopt? Probably not. Because I have a great desire for more children, someone will have a home that needs it. I am grateful for God's tender mercies. I know that everything happens for a reason. I am so incredibly grateful for His love for me and the fact that I feel it daily. Kaitlin is such a blessing in my life. I feel so humbled that Heavenly Father saw it fit to let me be her steward here on this earth. I hope and pray that I will do a good job with her and make the right choices as a parent. Even though the mistakes come often, the poor girl gets to wear pink...

4 comments:

Rich, Brit, Nugs, and CK said...

thank you for sharing! I often see girls I think are unfit for motherhood and thank you for reminding me it isn't my decision who gets to be mothers.

Katie Blatter said...

Steph, I love you. I'm so glad you didn't go to the doctor and hear that BEFORE Kaitlin. It would have been a very different experience faith-wise. I am so happy for your marriage, life, and decisions. :)

{april kennedy} said...

Stephanie,

Beautifully written. Thank you for sharing a part of your heart and your beliefs.

Now would you get the girl a frilly pink girlie coat this winter?!

Tara said...

I love you Steph & your humility. You have such a sweet spirit.

And I don't blame you one bit for shunning 30 year old boys clothes for your sweet little girl. <3