Overdue

I have a lot of character flaws. Rather than get into them all, I'd like to delve into just one. I am absolutely AWFUL at sending thank you cards.
Truly abysmal.
And it's all in my mind.
Let me explain my thought process...
Someone gives me a great gift.
I am grateful and feel very touched.
I do one of two things- thank them verbally immediately or never at all.
You may think that I am not grateful for the gift or forget about the gesture. Not true. In fact, if I have never verbally thanked you for something you gave me ten years ago, I am still thinking about it. You see, when I love a gift, I want to thank the giver to the extent it changed me. And in order to express the proper amount of gratitude, I must sit and thoughtfully prepare a heartfelt message.
And then that message is never enough. Never.
It just sits somewhere being over thought in my head and collecting dust in my house. And then I feel guilty every time I see that person because I have a handwritten note at home expressing my gratitude that has never seen the light of day. Then time passes and saying thank you for something I received a year ago seems so trivial and lazy.
This is true (and embarrassing and never been shared) I wrote all the thank you cards for our wedding gifts and never sent them. I hand made each card. I still remember the color and texture of the paper. And I used a glossy gold ink pen. I had the stamps on them. I HAD THE STAMPS ON THEM! There is something in me, a great loud voice saying I am never enough, I will never be enough and that my efforts will never match my intentions. I go through each day thinking of all the things I haven't said and things I have wrongly said. I am paralyzed into inaction. I know, logically that this is wrong thinking. Almost every New Year's Eve, one of my resolutions is to write thank you cards and send them. I get all gung ho and write beautiful cards then they sit. And sit. And sit. And then its like that Shel Silverstein poem about returning a library book too late. You know, this one:

What do I do?
What do I do?
This library book is 42 Years overdue.
I admit that it’s mine But I can’t pay the fine - Should I turn it in
Or hide it again?
What do I do?
What do I do?
by Shel Silverstein


If you are reading this post, odds are you have a place in my heart expressing gratitude. Nearly every person I meet and grow close to has a little pocket in this heart of mine reserved for all the gratitude, love and admiration I have for them. So, if you are thinking this right now, "That Stephanie Graham! I gave her a bite of my dessert when we went out to a restaurant 11 years and 3 months ago and she never thanked me!"
Please hear me now.
THANK YOU.
And that's going to have to be enough for the both of us.