In Honor of Baxter & Kenai

Since we have adopted two dogs one year ago, today- we have decided to do some renovations. Here are the easy to follow directions for all the work we have done to the house.

Faux feels-like-broken-glass-when-you-step-on-it-barefoot finish:

This beautiful and unique finish is accomplished by leaving two unsupervised dogs at home for the first time. The tools required are very simple. Just leave an unopened FedEx box by the front door. The key to a great sharp result is to have a water activated glue inside the FedEx box. Make sure one of the two dogs you have left alone can chew through cardboard, wood and high performance plastic. The rest is easy- be certain that the dogs will chew on the heavy duty bottle of glue over the carpet and use their saliva to activate the foaming glue. To give the faux finish extra oomph, leave to let dry at least two hours. For the polka dot effect, repeat as necessary.

New, top of the line, doggy door-

1. Make sure dogs are extremely excited (to the point of jumping and barking uncontrollably) to go outdoors.
2. Train them to wait until you say a code word to go outside ('Okay!' works just fine)
3. Open the sliding glass door and prepare for a stampede. The important part of this step is to MAKE SURE you leave the screen door closed unknowingly.
4. Use your code word to release the hounds.
5. Watch as they easily tear through the flimsy screen door.
6. Each time you forget to open the screen door, your new, top of the line, doggy door will do the trick. (Be careful when letting the larger of the two dogs outside, it may result in the posterior end getting stuck)
   Appliqued Hard Wood Floors

Just as with the faux finish for the carpets, this project requires unattended canines. Leave two dogs in an environment with beautiful hard wood floors and a trash can filled to the brim with discarded raw chicken containers. This method only works if you have neglected to return trash can to it's proper place- UNDER THE SINK.

Happy Renovating!

Holy Crusty Cheeseballs, Batman!!!

It has been an infinity since I have blogged- dang inconsistent internet! We haven't had access to the internet lately, so I have actually had to go through life like a normal person would- with their priorities firmly in check. I do have to say that it was nice to click on all my buddies' blogs and read a hefty few back logs... it's funny how much seems to happen when I don't check my favorites on a multiple daily basis. I have thoroughly enjoyed reading about every one's fabulous holidays. We had a great holiday as well. I had a brilliant moment in Settlers... I crushed all the newbies to the complicated board game and did not feel bad about it in the slightest... I finished the last season of Friends and bawled... I GOT A CRICUT!!!! Yay!!! Thanks you to all the contributed to my happy holiday: Mom, Dad, the losers in Settlers, Rachel, Chandler, Ross... you get the picture. PLUS- my new niece decided to add to the Christmas cheer at 2:33 p.m. on Christmas Day!!! Welcome baby Rebekah Marie! Gosh, this post had a ridiculous amount of exclamation marks... Well, I believe all have reached their exclamation mark quota for the day, so happy New Year and enjoy the exorbitant amount of pictures (sans exclamation marks)

Those filthy elves tend to leave their dirty clothes at our house... I just hang it up, don't expect me to do their laundry- how will I know if I shrunk it?

I made this garland all by myself... with the help of the CIAEvery year, we attend Main Street Bethlehem. I was a little leery after last year... a leper followed me around freaking me out all night. I think he thought it was funny to see me squirm. I do have to say, it's nice to go without needing a stroller- that hay really rides up. I still cry every time I see the live Nativity with Mary, Joseph and the Christ Child. Do you ever think we will be able to get away one Christmas without going to the Jelly Belly Factory? No, not when they still hand out free candy and have larger than life creepy nutcrackers. This is the first of many pictures from Christmas Eve. I have to give you a little background... Jimmy's attention span can only handle so much... when the night slow down, he tends to find interesting things to do while the rest of us are making sweet priceless memories. This year, my sweet husband decided our digital camera on the sly was the ticket to bore-free success. This first picture is a fun and innocent picture I took... the rest will be unveiled below. Enjoy. This is when the real fun starts. Jimmy's first victim. It seems that his headache is just a precursor as to what will come.And it just goes down hill from here folks...It's good thing Nora's got a good personality... just kidding- she's adorable- I can't understand how Jimmy could have gotten such an unpleasant shot of her.Yeah, I don't want to ever be on Melissa's bad side- yes, she's smiling, but, please, don't hurt me...Not so candid, but I bet no one was expecting this on a blog.R.I.P. Natalie, it seems the ghost of Christmas past has taken over.

Well, you all survived the strange Jimmy+camera+boredom=unflattering pictures of Christmas 2008. Here's Kaitlin opening up a Christmas gift from Santa. She has asked for a Fiona book for two years and Santa finally found one on Amazon. Needless to say, Santa can relax until Kaitlin chooses something even more random next year. My parents got an adorable little chef outfit. She always helps in the kitchen, but now she matches Mommy. She wore it most of the morning. Mommy is one happy camper, er, scrapper.
With that previous picture being so terrible, I thought I'd put in one that makes me look less like a total slob. I did, however, wear pajamas all day and eat junk food. But, that was part of the requirement. Everyone in attendance had to come in pj's and eat all the fabulous things laid out. Plus, we each got a pint of Ben & Jerry's ice cream to ourselves... yeah, I haven't weighed myself yet... please, don't remind me...

I'm trying...

I hit the 25 lb. weight loss mark!!!! YAY! The trick to getting excited is to not have a scale at home. I only weigh myself at friend's houses....it feels like more weight loss with more time between the results...then I went home to celebrate with some m&m's... it was rough day...I did a second workout to make up for the chocolate...then I ate something with mayonnaise...Jimmy is at the movies with Kaitlin... Stephanie and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day...I should move to Australia...speaking of Australia...Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman in a movie together?... too much pretty in one movie...my head might explode... plus I'm saving my maiden viewing of that movie for when Beth gets home from her mission...Hughie, Nic, Beth, popcorn, m&m's... downward spiral, people

We need to talk...

Bad-fresh wreath tied to the grill of your car

Worse- fake wreath with flashing lights and a red plastic bow tied to the grill of your car with a rusty coat hanger

Please think of others this holiday season, take down your lights before Valentine's Day...

Get the tissues ready...

On my favorite humor blog, there was this touching video. It reminds me of the Relief Society, all the wonderful friends I have and my family. I have been buoyed up in so many of my journeys and I am grateful for all that has been done, shared, endured or worried about on my behalf. Thank you all for contributing to my success. I choose to leave people anonymous when mentioning these things I have such gratitude for, but if it's you, you'll know! Thank you all for:

• Helping me stay motivated while exercising, even if we look ridiculous
• Teaching me the value of a clean and tidy home
• Helping express my love of cooking by encouraging me through especially hard parties/events
• Listening to me 'vent' and never utter the word 'gossip'
• Being a fabulous example by serving the Lord selflessly
• Sharing your talents and style, all while pulling me along behind you
• Sifting through all my woes without judgment

You are all amazing people, why else would I associate myself with y'all?! Thank you again and I love you.

Self deafeating

We do not have cable TV so that I won't sit on my round rump (soon to be toned- I hit the 2o lb. weight loss mark!!!) all day and watch TV. There are boring and unrealistic shows on in the daytime... so what's a girl to do? Get the Blockbuster all access pass, of course! Now, I can sit on my posterior all day AND all night! I am currently in the eighth season of 'Friends'. Luckily, I can't watch that show when Kaitlin is home because it's a tad bit inappropriate for a five year old... but hey!-that's what preschool is for!

How do you measure up?

I catered at an event in San Francisco this weekend. There were 1600 guests in attendance- a very large, very crazy event. My responsibility was to man a knife at the carving station. Although the cutting of lamb, pork and turkey was a blast- there was a definite highlight of my night. I was stationed next to Julio, who is a complete riot. We were goofing off and enjoying the jovial mood in the enormous room... when Julio mumbles, "That's a 9." Huh? What? I sliced nine pieces of lamb? I started to look down at my carving station and he started to giggle, "Not that meat... THAT meat," pointing at an obviously very fit young lady. Just in jest, I responded with, "No, she's a 6... she's not wearing heels high enough to be a a 9." Julio's eyes seemed to jump out of his head at the comment from the 'goody-goody' standing next to him. I suppose he never thought I would be up for a game like this. With a look of resolve, Julio quickly rated another passerby. I bounced back with a rating two points above his. "An 8? You gave her an 8?" Julio jabbed. My response?- "Of course she's an eight, check out that amazing support with no straps in sight! That deserves at least one bonus point." He just scoffed. As the night wore on, our ratings continued to differ. It seems that I like to add points for a cute bag, high shoes, looking smart, great hair color, fabulous understated-yet, holiday worthy makeup, handsome date etc. Julio rated from the neck down, unless she was blond, then all bets were off. Once we realized how silly it was to be compartmentalizing people, we stopped (either that, or we kept getting interrupted by people wanting meat- rude, I know...) It was fun trying to be one of the guys for a night, but I'd prefer to cut meat in nonjudgmental peace from now on. My favorite part of the night, however, will definitely be when Julio left the parking lot yelling out his window, "Stephanie, you're a 10!"