5.10.2011

This is not me

My sister, Beth and I have always had a blast together! Goofy, silly girls. We used to have fun sleepovers in each other's room and giggle late into the night. When she finished high school, Jimmy and I invited her to stay with us for part of the Summer. Prior to Beth's visit, I was busy rushing around making sure the house was perfect and stressing about silly things that I am sure she didn't care about all while dreaming of all the fun and laughs we would share. What I did not take into account was that I was the mother of a toddler. Those years were rough for me. Not my best. In fact, everyday I was convinced further that I was the worst mother in the whole world and I would never amount to anything. I was so sure that I would never have serious conversations with my sweet girl and my time would be occupied by frustration, cleaning and yelling. I did not like who I was. This was not the Stephanie everyone was used to. No carefree giggles or silly jokes. No last minute adventures to the movies on a Wednesday in my pjs.
So, when Beth came to visit, I was the stressed and uptight gal that she had never met. I am pretty sure she did not have that great of a time. Which is understandable- she was visiting a stranger.

I thought I was doomed to this lifestyle. Not so.

Once Kaitlin started school, I became the mother I had always dreamed I'd be (only on the best days, anyway). Things became fun again. I could talk to her and reason with that girl... finally! Many people say that you will miss the days when they were toddlers. I am sad to say that I have never been wistful about having a toddler again.

Well friends, I am in the midst of a character changing time. I have been less fun. I have been less positive. I find myself stressed, frustrated and out of sorts. Essentially, I have a toddler again. That toddler's name is Seminary. It robs me of sleep and sanity. It is at my bedside waking me up every morning with a day of let downs. I have some amazing students that are so willing to participate... if only their peers didn't make fun of them for doing so. Every single day I bring a lesson and (and tons of hope) that took all night to accomplish. It is squashed by the end of class. I know this trial is meant for me right now, but sometimes it is too hard to bear. I love every kid in that class. Maybe that's why things are so difficult. I want them to be successful and feel the spirit. I want them to reach their full potential. Gosh, it 's like wanting the toddler, Kaitlin, to have an in depth conversation with me.

I know I will be grateful that I finished out the year, but I wonder if I will never miss it- just like with Kate's toddler years. As sad and totally depressing as it sounds, it is the truth. I do not love Kaitlin any less because of the frustration I felt when she was younger. In fact, I think I appreciate her now much better because of my difficulty from years ago.

I just want my family who reads this post to understand why I may have been less myself than usual. Why I totally forgot to call them on the birthdays (and graduations)... why I am a total space cadet (more than normal). Every spare minute I have is spent on a lesson of some sort for the kids who could not care less that I am even there. And the reason I continue to plan lessons and go to seminary is because I love the Lord and I want to be obedient. I know the blessings come after the trial of your faith, but gosh, sometimes that stinks.

3 comments:

Elizabeth said...

We are all our own worst critic. I had fun on my visit. Don't you worry about that. And I plan on having fun when you come to yellowstone, so you better be ready. Love you sister!!! You're the best!

April Kennedy said...

The blessing is right around the corner! Only a month left right?!! Hang in there. It's a calling I would never wish to have either. But so was Gospel Doctrine and I love what it has done for me spiritually. I get where you are coming from!

Gretchen said...

Some of the hardest times and tirals of life grow us the most once we have wlaked through them... I am sure this too will pass and you will have new blessings in your life because of it!

Hang tough and carry on.... you are almost at the goal!!!

Give yourself a hug today!