So, doing things with one hand tied behind your back isn't hard enough?!

Let's try TWO!

Not only was I nearly crawling today from being so sick, my workload was such that my best was required of me. Dude, I was sitting in a chair just trying to grate a single carrot for a quarter of an hour. That's not Stephanie time. But, I was going to pull it together, gosh darnit! Who cares that I can barely move? To heck with it all that I have numbed taste buds, I can pull together anything by memory! Because the opportunity I have shan't be wasted. And so, amidst my temporary handicap, I soldiered on. That's what soldiers do. However, when power outages roll through at different times during the day, a soldier sits down and sobs. Here I am trying to chop cilantro by candlelight and I just broke. It felt like in half. While I'm blubbering away and smelling like fresh herbs, the towel literally gets thrown in. We packed up my car with my precious food intended for greatness. Jimmy packed the kids in his car and we drove down to finish prep work at the in-laws. WE successfully completed 34 gluten-free, elegant boxed lunches. It took me more than I have in me to finish a task that normally would have taken two hours- tops.
I am used to operating at diminished capacity. Because in my life, there is ALWAYS a wrench thrown in somewhere. I let it roll off my back. No biggie. I got this. But this is everyone, right? There's never a break from life. To be thrown so far out of my comfort zone brings me such frustration! I want to pick up the wrench that messes up my gears and pitch it right back where it came from.
But then I think, "isn't just last week that I flippantly thought in a relief society lesson that trials really do bring us closer to God?!" What the freak is wrong with me?! No more flippantly thinking. None. Next time I should think, "Trials are great for everyone else- but I'm happy here in my happy bubble thinking happy thoughts."
Seriously, I didn't enjoy the going through. But I am writing this from the future (No really, I am. The time stamp states Sunday, but I'm writing on Tuesday. You know, to fulfill that 'write everyday on my blog' new year goal?) And in the future, I am grateful. I am closer to God. He did help me. He did keep His promises. But sometimes in the moment, I wish I could have both my hands.

Doubly grateful

Last night, after the joy I felt receiving my logo.
Well, and making this for somebody:

Who wouldn't feel joy with that cake in their presence, ammiright?!
I came home shivering and spiked a super high fever.
Rather than do anything else, I laid on the floor in the fetal position in front of the fire. All night.
Instead of getting to rest, I had a wedding a birthday party to cater today.
And so, I went to work.
And sat on the ground.
And my staff buzzed around me and did everything.
While I couldn't swallow due to a sore throat.
While I couldn't stand up without feeling faint.
They took care of every detail.
My mother in law came to help.
My daughter came to help.
Both parties were a success.
Thank goodness for the amazing people I have in my life!

In preparation for something cool

I had this designed:

Bu the same company that designed and branded logos for my favorite chef: Thomas Keller. I am connected to greatness just a little. And I am giddy.

A day of firsts...

It was my first time:
-hiring a design firm (not an etsy shop) to design my logo
-having a photographer and food stylist help me photograph things for a website (it's getting official!)
-poaching lobster tail in a butter emulsion (oh.my.goodness.)
-having an email conversation with an event planning big dog.
-making a (the best) german chocolate cake from scratch (holy crap! If you ever need a chocolate cake recipe...)
-letting Kate do one whole catering component by herself (from start to finish!)
It's been a good day.

Bottom to the top

Today was busy!
I went shopping for four events- one of which I cannot wait to share in a future post.
Another of the events is a wedding where the bride and groom have chosen to have an ice cream bar. While shopping at Target I had two emotions running through me:
1) Temptation- I had to put things in my cart that are all on the no-no list of the health challenge I am doing right now.
2) Shame- just look at what I was pushing around in my cart.

Not a single healthy thing in there, folks.

 

A third 'event' I purchased food for was the photo shoot I will be having tomorrow with fancy pants food. Because I'm launching a website. FINALLY. One of the things I forgot to purchase was scallops. Because I buy all my seafood at Whole Foods, I totally forgot to pop in there amongst the many stores I entered. The pouring rain made the day ultra hard. That, and the grumpy cashier at Trader Joe's. In the decade I've been shopping at TJ's I have never, ever met a rude cashier. I did today. And because Trader Joe's is my happy place, I felt violated. I walked around the rest of the day in such sorrow. In all seriousness, I was more than upset. I think I might go back a bring that cashier a cookie tomorrow, then he'll be nice to me. But I digress.

So, the combination of emotion and inclement weather caused me to miss a stop in my shopping trip. Jimmy had to run out and get the scallops at 9:00 tonight. He texted me in a panic. Whole Foods had run out! I asked for head on shrimp- none! Lobster tail?! YES! He grabbed the tail and came home. When Jimmy walked in the door, without a word, he just held up the wrapped seafood and:

Because there were two things I needed and the counter did not have- I got my lobster for FREE! And they were closing up shop. But, yay. Guys, for the stressful day I've had. A day that caused me to sit for a full five minutes in a daze, responding to no one, just got better.

Sneaky, Sneaky...

I have a friend that went out of the country for nearly a month and is arriving home in the very wee hours of the morning tomorrow. In fact, her family of 8 are in transit as I type.

The group that gets together weekly decided that we would surprise them with groceries. Luckily we had a key!
Here's our handiwork:

It was so fun doing something goofy at this late hour!
Let's hope she doesn't read this before seeing her surprise...

Christmas Eve

It took me years to train my husband's family to let me go fancy when it comes to holidays. I can party with cocktail weinies and paper plates with the best of them, but I feel especially festive when I get to produce and event. I love my job. I love providing my clients with great food and festive tablescapes. However, when I get to treat my family, it really brings me joy.

The first Thanksgiving I served a plated dinner with multiple courses, people were not happy. I think it's maybe because I eliminated any root vegetables adorned in marshmallows. That was nearly a decade ago. Now, when I break out the big guns, people actually get excited! Christmas Eve was no different. I really wanted to go nuts on this one.

 

First, came the table:

 

Inspired by the Christmas classic, 'A Christmas Carol' Complete with a toile linen, brass French horns, Gold leaf scrolls for place cards and red accents. Top it off with fresh white flowers and candles- you've got yourself one fancy table! We started the evening with a gorgeous cheese board- but I forgot to take a picture. Unfortunately, the rest of my pictures are so so...

First course:
Cauliflower Vichyoisse with chive oil and a seared scallop.
One of my favorite healthy and delicious starters. Often, our family will have this as a main dish.


Salad Course:
bibb lettuce and baby arugula
pomelo, pomegranate, pepitas and grapefruit vinaigrette
Unfortunately, the avocados I bought were gross, so I had to scrap them. So, so sad.

Main Course:

Seared halibut

haricot verts

roasted rainbow marble potatoes with lemon dill sauce and a creamy beurre blanc.

Halibut is my favorite fish of all time. I have been wanting to do it for a holiday, but it's so dang expensive! We were able to pull it off this year!

And dessert, the most intimidating of all:

Pavlova with fresh raspberries, homemade fudge and whipped sweet cream.

It was heavenly. I was terrified to make this most simple dessert. But now, I'll tuck it away in my recipe box for another day- it was so easy! I was afraid of nothing!

Honestly, I do not do these fancy dinners to show off or anything, I make this food and set the table because I LOVE to do it. The process that is torture for some is bliss for me. The planning, shopping at specialty markets, choosing flowers, the hard work is just so awesome. It's even better when I get to share with the people who are usually in the background helping me pull it all off.

It's following me!

This year, our home was bogged down by Holiday Goodies.

We had all kinds of confections hanging around the house.

Just when I thought I had contracted permanent dental damage from all the sweets, Jimmy came home with home baked goods from his coworkers. I was happy that they shared, but seriously dreaded the insurmountable task of the necessary bite from each tin. You know, so I wouldn't be lying when I told them how good everything was when I see them at the office party.

The first tin was fudge- creamy, delicious, sweet.

Then came the thumbprint cookies- crumbly, rich, sweet.

I had gotten into the groove of things and prepared myself for the sugar overload that would come with my final bite.

Upon opening the last tin, I had an almost deflated reaction... home made Chex Mix. Seriously? I was not excited to take the obligatory bite, but I love my husband and I did not want to disappoint. (Because I'm sure out of all the crazy things I do, refusing to try a bite of cereal snack mix would be the top offender...)

I grabbed the smallest little handful I could and munched on it mindlessly.

And then, like a literal switch being flicked, my eyes lit up. With out using a single word, I grabbed the tin and sat in a corner of the couch and started munching away. It was just the reverie I needed to pull me from my perma-sugar coma. I think Kate even tried to snatch a piece and I slapped her hand away. It seems cloudy in my mind but I think I might have even hissed a little...

And so a monster was born. I started thinking about Chex Mix nonstop. You think I am kidding. That I am just saying this to be funny. No joke, I thought about the snack mix so much that it became a mini obsession. When I was in full blown cereal mode, I started seeing the bags everywhere. It got to be so humorous that each new sighting warranted a picture sent via text to Jimmy.

SEE?!

 

 

 

And to curb the cravings and sleepless nights. I broke down and got all the ingredients needed to make my dreams come true.

I did it. I made the perfectly customized homemade dream. Extra nuts, no wheat chex and miso for flavoring. My hard work yielded two gallon sized bags of the heavenly savory treat. It lasted 36 hours. My work here is done.

Perks

We love our sweet Genevieve. Like, a lot. I think we have to love her as much as we do because some days I think I want to give her back. Jimmy called me in a panic while I was at a meeting today. Little Miss Vivy had gotten out of her crib and ambled out of her room holding her head. Isn't 18 months too young to be part of the 'Get out of my crib when I'm supposed to be taking a nap' club?! She has done everything young, that one. Rolled over from front to back at two weeks, back to front at 6 weeks and took off all her clothes in bed when she was not even 2 months old. I suppose she's been trying to break out of things since she was born...
Today I joined a gym solely for the child care.

2016 Goals

Well, folks... I've done it again. I set some pretty high standards for myself for the next 365 days. But I love working hard and I love to strive for excellence. And so, here I go with a year trying to improve who I am. When January rolls around each year, I am bogged down with sweets. My head is foggy from all the family gatherings in which I am navigating the different personality types. My nights are filled with catering events. Having a January in my life is refreshing and this year is no different. My goals for the year 2016 are:

• Eat at least 5 servings of vegetables a day. I have very little problem eating healthy when I put my mind to it. However, my downfall is usually when the two weeks between healthy eating challenges of which I am always taking part. Rather than try to avoid sugar for a year (which I tried last year and made it to April) I wanted a positive goal. Avoid= stay away. DON'T. Eat= go towards, DO. My fridge is stocked and I'm ready to eat!
• Exercise daily. I love exercise. I HATE starting exercise. Once I buckle down and actually move my body, I love it. The anxiety of getting there is awful. I have noticed that when I don't take a day off, my weeks go better. What's helping me to keep this goal is my definition of exercise. Yes, I will do videos. Yes, I will go running. Yes, I have signed up to join a gym. Yes, walking to our mailbox will count as exercise. Our mailbox is a quarter mile away. My goal is to move. To move a lot. It is to lead an active life again. I lost almost 100 pounds before I had Vivy. I want her to know the mother Kate got know very well. I want Vivy to meet the mom that hikes nearly every day and plays tag. That girl is so full of energy that I tend to think we'd get along.
• Pray and Read Scriptures daily. This is something that has become a daily habit already. In fact, I a surprised at how I've been able to keep up with this. When I was in church as a teenager and we were asked to pray or read daily, I thought that this was just an ideal that was a lofty, unattainable goal. I honestly thought that no one ever did these things EVERY day. Well, my life has changed. What I thought was impossible has become my life. I don't mean this in a boastful way. I am more grateful for this blessing than is easy to express. and the reason I have put this as one of my goals this year is because I don't want to this important habit to go by the wayside while I'm trying hard to accomplish the other goals I have set. I aimed high this year so I need all the help that comes from a daily habit of communing with the Lord.
• Clean out one drawer or shelf a day. I have read 'The life changing magic of tidying up' multiple times now. It makes me want NOTHING in my home, save my family. I want to live in an empty box with the people I love and enjoy the simplicity of life. The method stated in this book requires chunks of time I do not have. There is a toddler living in my house that would have a heyday if I chose to organize a whole pile of ALL my clothes at once. Although I am 100% behind the method set forth in this book, it is so all encompassing that I kept putting off beginning the project. I have no issue throwing things away. I am sadly unsentimental about stuff- to the point that I think it might be a disorder- so getting rid of things is not my issue. My daughter, she's the issue. In fact, as I type she is playing in a puddle of water in the middle of the kitchen floor. No joke. Which leads me to my next goal...
•  Blog daily. At all costs. I have never regretted setting aside time each day to document my life. I write it for me. What used to be a way to communicate with other stay at home moms has become an outlet for me. I don't really care about comments or who reads this. I have not chosen to write to appease an outside source. I am writing because it makes me happy. I am writing because I love to look back and reflect on what I've accomplished. Or screwed up on. I like to see what I still think is funny. I blog selfishly and invite all to read!
• Read and Study the Sunday School lesson each week. I cannot tell you how many times a year I have to keep talking myself into attending Sunday School. I fell uncomfortable in there. I feel like I am surrounded by people who all know more than I do. It becomes a discussion between returned missionaries that I feel I'm imposing upon. I am not stupid. I have a testimony of the gospel. But Sunday School is just plain hard for me to enjoy. This year, I will try my best to enjoy. If I don't, come December, meet me in the mother's lounge.
• Do my visiting teaching monthly. I suck at visiting teaching. Harsh words, harsh truth. I do not have a testimony of visiting teaching. This is why- I hate it when people tell me what to do. I have joined book clubs more than I can count. I love reading. I love talking about books I have read. I love eating food that I did not cook. I love dressing up and getting away from my children. I hate book club. I HATE being told what I have to read. And then there's visiting teaching. I love visiting people. I love serving others. I love dressing up and getting away from my children. I hate being told who I have to be friends with. It feels fake to me. Possibly because I (not trying to sound boastful) visit people all the time. I bring meals to people or stop by to chat. In all of these cases it has started with a prayer to find others to serve. I suppose I do already do visiting teaching, but they're never on my list. I know it sounds horrible, but visiting teaching is something I absolutely dread.

Lots of goals. High expectations. I love the opportunity I am given each new year to examine my life and strive to improve. I like myself better when I try hard. I'm with me all day- might as well like the company.

Just another thing in the sitcom I call life...

Every Tuesday night is sacred. On Tuesdays, I leave my family to spend time doing something that is dear to me. Something that is priceless and irreplaceable. I go watch a tv show. That may not seem to match the descriptors I just stated, but you see, this show is a little program called, "Gilmore Girls". And I watch this show religiously with a group of girlfriends that are just as wonderful as each episode we watch. 

Last night during the show, I had to go to the bathroom sooooo bad. I've been drinking over 100 oz of water a day, you know. I got up without interrupting the show, just trying to be discreet. As I went into the restroom the door shut behind me and I raced to the toilet. I had to go bad. Really bad. While I am mid-stream, I hear a creak and the door starts opening slowly. Awww, crap! (Not #2, oh darn) well, it wasn't really a big deal. It's late at night, it's just us girls, I'm not shy about my body. But wait! It's not just us girls! The hostess' husband has an office right.next.to.the.bathroom. And he was coming out!!! So, I - sitting on the can, trying to be unobtrusive- yell, "don't come in!I'm going potty! My pants are down!"  

And I just hear laughter from the other room. The characters in the show must've said something hilarious...

Ghettotastic

I have been driving Kate to downtown Vallejo twice a week for school. The program is great, if far away... 

The progression of emotion driving through Vallejo has been interesting. What used to make me nervous now leaves me charmed. Like, "How charming it is that that store has a hand painted sign? They were able to paint right around the bullet hole to make it part of the art." Or, "I'm glad that man with a sleeping bag wrapped around him is walking around, he must be cozy." 

Also, I have never visited a Subway sandwich shop with bullet proof glass between myself and the sandwich technician... That's new. 

It's been an experience. Not bad, as my post may lead you to believe. It's actually been quite eye opening. In all seriousness, I have found some downright wonderful shops- I did have to walk through break dancers to get to one shop today- a little inconvenient, I know. But, how cool is that? People still breakdance?? In all honesty, I have sincerely enjoyed the time I've spent jumping feet first into a community that I usually try to avoid. I have found the cheapest thrift shops, interesting furniture stores and best down home cooking I've had in a long time. I'm admitting it- downtown Vallejo is not half bad. I think it helps that fat people are harder to kidnap...

I love to see the temple

This past week, the sister teaching Relief Society called and asked if Kate and I could sing "I love to see the temple" for the closing song in RS. I happily said yes. She then asked if I could find the accompanist as well. Of course, I agreed. 

Well, even though it was just a few days ago that she asked, I completely forgot! In fact, I was blissfully unaware that I was singing and had never even told Kate about it when the teacher reminded me between sacrament meeting and Sunday school. But I didn't say that to her- oh, no... I just nodded and smiled. 

Then, once that sister walked away, I walk/ran as fast as was appropriate for a lady in heels and the church of The Lord to do. I grabbed Kate from class and took her to a supply closet where we practiced. Her in bewilderment, me in urgency. After a few times through, I realized that we maybe couldn't pull this off a Capella. I had Kate wait in the closet and grabbed a talented pianist to play for us. We ended up practicing a few times- in between my apologies to my daughter and my accompanist. But, we pulled it off. It sounded wonderful and I was brought right back to this day. 

Kate's twelfth birthday when she chose to attend the temple on her birthday. It was a special day for our whole family. The spirit was tangible. The temple presidency met with us and did temple work with us! That same temple president spoke about our sweet Kate at a neighboring stake's conference. What was said to us before our session was this: "Kate, there has been a special spirit this whole week and especially this morning in the temple. It's because the Savior is happy that you made this choice. He is very pleased with your actions and we all get to witness that!" 

This was a special day for our family and I am so glad we all got to go. 

Oops...

Well, Halloween was great. 

See?

I had a clown and Belle and monk to share it with. The party we went to was epic. Epic, I tell you. Fire dancer, man on stilts, the baboon pictured above, a haunted hay ride, a giant movie screen playing Hocus Pocus, popcorn, treats... 

But the most epic thing of all:

I was talking to two women. 

I looked at one in her business suit, coiffed hair, red lipstick, big earrings and said, "Let me guess- you're dressed as Hilary Clinton?" She just stared at me for a half beat then responded, "I'm not wearing a costume." 

Niiiice...

Paranormal Activity

My friends and I went on a city ghost tour last night. When we arrived at our meeting location and the your guides broke out their equipment, I was nervous. I wasn't sure if it was such a good idea to be searching for spirits. I've never been skeptical of paranormal activity. I believe in ghosts. I believe in an afterlife. Because of that belief, my mind started running a little wild.

And then our guide started telling stories. She was a fabulous historian. Hearing stories of people that once lived seemed respectful. And paying homage to those that once had passion on this earth made me introspective. Particular stories made me want to reach out and speak to these people. Rather than be spooked out, I had great sorrow. Sorrow for their losses and unfortunate end. At points in the tour, I actually wanted to stand up and talk about the plan of salvation! I wanted to share my testimony of peace, love and eternal life. That to really speak to people in another realm all you have to do is to pray. We are each given the gift of personal revelation- what an amazing thing! Now, I know if I had done that I would look like the crazy eccentric one in a group full of ghost hunters.  I highly recommend the tour, solely for the historical aspect. I was in rapt attention. I am grateful for the opportunity I had to experience a real strengthening of my testimony. To know where I stand in this earthly life and where I can stand in the next. 

P.S. Because going on a ghost tour is not spooky enough, we went to the cemetery afterwards. It was scary (although humbling) to walk among graves at midnight. But it got me to be thoughtful and eventually peaceful thinking of what these people were passionate about and how much they loved. Strange as it may seem, the night made me want to delve into genealogy. After I am done screaming and peeing my pants a little. 

It's moments like these that make me realize I need a reality show

I provide a dinner delivery service to different families each week. One such family lives at the end of a quaint little lane in a quiet area of town. I switched cars with Jimmy this week for baby car seat issues. When I made a delivery in his car to the sleepy little street, I accidentally pressed the key fob and set off the alarm. It was quite the scene. 

Picture this:

-car alarm blaring

-Stephanie frantically pressing the red button with no response

-car continues to screech, disturbing the peace, causing neighbors to point and stare

-Stephanie gets out of the car and points the key fob at the car while pressing red button very deliberately at the mechanical beast

-a beat

-Stephanie realizes that she has been pointing the Honda key fob at the car while trying to stop the alarm

-Stephanie is driving the Cadillac 

The gun show

I went into the library in the morning to check out the facilities because of a catering gig I had later in the day. 

Somehow, I made my way to the circulation desk and paid my fines. You guys- I never have fines on my card. Never. But when Vivy was a newborn, we had a long stretch between book returns. Juding by my FIFTY dollar fine, it was a stretch that should have been til Vivy was college bound! It was a humbling surprise when I asked the amount I owed. Then I may have mentioned to the librarian that she probably sees a lot of people carrying book fine guilt. To which she added a grin and nod. After paying my hefty fine, I noticed a sign for story time. Having never taken Vivy to the library story time, I thought it would be fun to pop in. Well, it was a story time, alright. For babies. Little babies. I was just about to turn and leave when Vivy saw the fun going on and pitched a fit. I stayed. I did all the activities. For little babies. Less than 25 lb babies. Little babies that do not struggle to break free when you "rock in a tree top". Little babies that can be lifted into the air each time the sing says "baby" without their adult grunting. Little babies that lie still on the floor when you are supposed to bend over and tickle their toes. 

Halfway through the story time, parents were no longer looking at the story teller. Nope. They were looking at my attempt to tame the beast. After thirty minutes enduring the embarrassment that comes with tickling under a toddler's chin that attempts to bite repeatedly, the story time finally ended. I am not kidding when I say I was not the only parent to breathe a sigh of relief. I kept thinking, "these newbie parents have no idea what they're in for..." I may not have had a quiet bonding experience with a precious newborn, but no one can rival the arm workout I got today. 

Kate's birthday trip

Because no trip is complete without Penny Ice Creamery!

Juliette is smiling because she's about to go on her first roller coaster ride!

Juliette looks like she may not have liked it...

But the Ferris wheel is always a good idea.

And the carousel- the brass rings were fabulous. 

Had to finish the day at a park overlooking the boardwalk where we also witnessed couples yoga, which was super crunchy and super awesome. 

Drive in Holy Places

Another funny story from driving:

When the party I was driving got back in the car after their final stop, they were laughing about something they had started discussing over dinner. I heard a buzz word load and clear, "Mormons" and started to listen more carefully. I found that eavesdropping wasn't necessary due to the fact they asked me if I had ever heard of the term they were talking about. Of course, I had never heard of it. But the tone being used made me think that I may not want to know the details...

I suppose my desire to not know was not more obvious because the group proceeded to explain to me a practice 'held by Mormons' that was completely foreign to me. I cocked one eyebrow and said, "What Mormon do you know that has confirmed this as fact?"

They just giggled and said there had been studies proving it. The whole exchange was goofy (they were tipsy) and goid natured. 

I gave them a look of disbelief. A beat. And then, "Are YOU a Mormon?!"

"Yes I am!" I yelled loud and clear. 

The group then howled in laughter. 

One if the woman mentioned, "I have a friend that's a Mormon and she told me it was true, but I shouldn't have believed her because she drinks more than I do!!!"

Hmmm....

Maybe she wasn't a great source?  

Your driver for the day

So, lately I've been doing some wine tours through a concierge service I chef through and it's been a blast! 

I have a great time picking up tourists and showing them the valley I love so dearly. 

Today for my drive, the clients were raving about some English muffins they had when they previously visited Napa.

 I cocked one eyebrow and said, "you mean the Model Bakery English muffins?"

"Yes!!!" They exclaimed.

I then offered to drive to the bakery while the clients were at a wine tasting because the bakery sells out early due to popular demand and a recent segment on Food Network highlighting this baked good. 

When I arrived at Model Bakery I was confronted by a full case of English muffins. Thank goodness they hadn't sold out! Approaching the counter to order, I was confident because of my get-there-before-they-sold-out skills. 

"Eight English muffins, please." I asked with great courtesy.

The woman behind the counter then responded, "there's a six muffin limit."

With my confidence waning just a tad, I repeated, "eight English muffins, please." 

She looked at me, blinked, and gave me the same answer. 

Then I started semi-pleading with stories about how I am driving for people from out of town and that I had to bring eight and that there were right people and that they were from out of town- basically repeating myself over and over while my voice was getting progressively higher. 

I could tell from the Clark's silence that I was not getting anywhere...

Then, with a glint in my eye, I pawed the tip jar and said, "What a lovely tip jar."

Folks, I had stooped so low. So very low. 

While I was inwardly berating myself for the tactic, the woman behind the counter brightened and stuffed two extra muffins in my bag. 

I thought that bribery stuff only worked in the movies! 

On my way back to the vehicle I paused mid walk and thought, "it would probably be pushing it to go back and get one for myself..."